I few minutes inside

I haven't feel the need to write in awhile... but today I must get this off my chest:

1. Please don't be friends with me with an ulterior motive of "saving" or changing me. When your true intention for spending time with me surfaces, it takes the authenticity of our relationship away. Just like me, love me, appreciate me for the person I am. Spend time with me because you enjoy my company. I'm not a project or brownie points for Jesus, I'm a person.... and a person worth getting to know and loving.

2. Does one choose to be gay? The ultimate argument. First of all, why are straight people having this debate? How about asking someone who is actually gay: did you chose to be gay?
NO.
Why on earth would I chose to risk losing the "Kingdom of Heaven"...
Loosing the support and relationship I had with my grandmother...
Loosing my best friend..
Being rejected by the Church, a group of people I considered family..
Being asked to not touch the children (this memory still brings tears to my eyes)...
Putting my job in the military at risk...
Losing credibility with those I led...
Being treated like an exhibit, to be gawked at, starred at with severe judgement, even disgust.

I did not choose to be gay, but chose to be true to myself. I let the heart in my chest free to love who it was naturally drawn to.

God made me, you can take it up with Him.

A few minutes

I have a few minutes before I have to be a work so I thought I'd joy down a few thoughts.
Sarah and I are thinking about going to a single car family, potentially permanently. Sarah plans to pursue her photography business but wants it to remain small and will otherwise be a "homemaker". It's interesting... Gender roles in a same sex relationship..it seems that naturally, I want to work full time and have a successful career while Sarah naturally wants to take care of the house and me (she definitely does not want to work full time).
Our latest conversation was regarding her role in "taking care of me"... What does that mean? If we only had one car, it would require more of her. I would like her to wake up with me and have breakfast with me before taking me to work. How she spends her day I don't really care, but it's important to me for us to be on the same schedule. It's already an issue for me now because I wake up early and Sarah sleeps in everyday, so when I'm ready to go to bed, she is wide awake and bummed I don't want to stay up and chat. So she lays on the bed playing on her iPad and it makes it hard to go to sleep. She loves sleeping in, but I know she could get used to waking up earlier and thus be tired when I'm tired. Anyway... It's a big conflict for me because half of me is this feminist and the other half wants a traditional relationship...like old school. Uck.

Paleo

Yes, Paleo. I started the diet yesterday and I've had a headache so bad both days that I want to call it a migraine. Am I having sugar withdrawl? Is my body just rebelling? I'm drinking tons of water and eating healthier than I ever have and I feel terrible :(. Today is better, I had some meat and almond butter and I think the extra protein helps. I'm really excited about the results I'll hopefully be seeing soon, looking and feeling better. I'll keep you informed. We are also moving to a healthier lifestyle in general, for our bodies and environment, I love it. I no longer wear anti-persperant and just learned that I don't even need it, I sweat less! Deoderant is good though, that won't change, don't worry. No more styrofoam, reusable glass water bottle and coffee cup. Good stuff.

CCC is going well. Alot of it is like firehosing a sponge. I'm trying to absorb what I can, but it just SO much and I'm having a hard time deciding what I should pay most of my attention to.

I'm also ever changing my career plan. Those who know me know that I'm the most fickle person alive. I think most people probably change their mind as much as I do, I just tend to advertise my new decision/position/realization... whatever it is. So when I begin to chew on it and weigh my options and change my mind, people think... "wait, I though you were doing this..." I'm learning to withhold my great revelations and ideas until I'm fairly certain they will actually reach fruition...

but I'm just so excited about it, I can't keep it to myself. Careers I'm considering: Family Nurse Practitioner, Public Health Nurse, Nurse Methods Analyst, Nurse Case Manager, Health Care Administrator. I'm also interested in Emergency Management, but the Army wont pay a nurse for a graduate degree in this field unfortunately. There's just sooo many options and I can't pick one! Do we want to have a child? How? When? What will Sarah's career look like? I feel this great momentum right now and I want to stay ahead of the game, I just don't know what direction to face. Lots of questions... getting answered one at a time..

I'm back!

I've removed myself from Facebook, for now.

I was wasting too much time on it, and it wasn't adding much value to my life. I'll probably peek at it from time to time to check up on friends and family. I just had to give it up right now, for me.

I started journaling at the age of 14 on my mission trip to Africa because they forced us to spend an hour of quiet time each morning praying, reflecting, and journaling. As you can imagine, 60 days of this requirement created a new habit in me... which lasted until this passed year, for more than 10 years. I stopped journaling on my deployment and I'm not sure how it happened, or why. Is it because I started my deployment blog which took the place of my journal? Did I feel like it became pointless? I don't know. What I do know is that I miss it. I miss telling my story. I wrote in my journals with the intention of sharing them with my daughter someday, maybe, or someone. Don't get me wrong, I had no reserves, I told the whole truth, nothing but the truth. It was the one place in my life I never had to lie. I think the desire to journal came from wanting to tell my story, but also as a way of opening myself up to God in a way that was tangible. By writing it down, it made it real and I could then reflect on what I had written and become open to conviction.

When Sarah first suggested to me to start blogging [again], my immediate thought was "no way, I'm not one of those people who needs to document every piece of their personal life for the entertainment of others." But then I thought, whats the difference between blogging and writing an autobiography? Yet one is regarded as much more prestigous. I don't have the time to spend writing my entire life story and publishing it in one document, but I do have time to share little pieces of me mixed of past present and future, a living document. I don't really care if you care, I mean, I do, but I don't. ;) I hope someone might get something of value from something I say at some point. But, if you aren't interested in reading about my somewhat boring life, I'm not offended and totally understand. I'm one that tries to spend my time wisely and unfortunately very few books and people can hold my attention (something I'm working on).

To catch you up to speed (and me!), here's where I am now:
My wife Sarah Clapp and I are en route from Tacoma, WA to New Orleans, LA. I will be a US Army Recruiter, primarily recruiting medical professionals. I'm currently residing in San Antonio, TX with Sarah Lyons, her husband Drew, and her son Andy. I'm attending Captains Career Course, a 9 week course, that prepared Captains for command and leadership. Sarah takes of Andy everyday as a sort of repayement for free rent. Since the budget cuts, resident CCC might be going away entirely, so I feel very lucky to have gotten in to this course. I feel my like my whole career has been this way. I've just gotten to know the right people, and been at the right place and the right time. I'm ahead of my peers for no obvious reason that I can see. I'm not smarter or more "hooah" or quick or super hard working. I have pretty average skills, but with good intuition, the ability to self-reflect and a genuine heart for those I feel responsible for taking care of. I've had more than a couple of people tell me that they see me being a General someday. Other than the rediculous name General Clapp, I'm pretty excited about that possibility despite the unlikeliness of it.

Marrying Sarah has been the best decison I've ever made. My life has never been so peaceful. There is so much that I don't have to worry about anymore, that consumed my time and energy. I look forward to coming home and hanging out with her. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, as long as I'm with her, I'm happy, I'm secure, life is good. We talk everyday, we give eachother honest advice and feedback. We communicate through disagreements and rarely have a full blown fights, and if we do, its usually because my inner child gets the best of me. Its so nice to be married to an adult that is equally willing to work through problems, self-improve, and see things from a different perspective. Sarah keeps me grounded. Although her cautious approach to everything annoys the shit out of me sometimes, its a good balance for us. She's the planner, the realist, the thinker. I'm the doer, the idealist, the experiencer. You should hear our conversations sometimes... pretty entertaining. Sex has been challenging...

omg, she's going to talk about sex, omg.

Every relationship that I know of deals with this issue on some level, even l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s. I don't really have anyone to talk to about my sex life because most of my friends are straight and, well its just awkward for them, so I will blog about it. Let me start off by saying that sex with a woman is totally fulfilling. Scratch that, sex with Sarah is completely fulfilling, miles more than anyone I've been with (just for the record). Without going in to too much detail... there's always someone in the relationship that wants more of it... and thats me. We're working on it, she's beginning to understand how important it is to me, on many levels, and she's becoming more willing to open back up to me and trust me fully. Ok, thats enough about that for today.

Maybe we will end on that note. I'm sleepy and have mandatory PT in the morning, I should get to bed. And I've been on the computer for awhile now, so Sarah probably wants me to hang out with her eventually. :) I just looked back to tell Sarah I'm almost done on here and found that she has packed my bag for the gym tomorrow with my uniform and everything I need for a shower. She is so awesome.

Anyway, welcome to my personal life.

I'm home but not back

It seems silly to pick back up my deployment blog, as I have been home now for over 6 months. I guess the deployment is still affecting me in big ways.

You always hear people say: "I'm not the person I was before I left".  I never thought I would feel that way, after all, I'm just me and will always be me. The truth is, I'm not the same person, and some days, I wish that I was. My biggest struggles are..

1. Understanding why God sometimes intervenes and sometimes doesn't.
2. Feeling like most of what I did in Afghanistan for the local population was in vain, and didn't change the ultimate outcome for them.
3. Not understanding what progress we made (if any) and how it was worth all the lives lost in the process.
4. Struggling to believe that my religion is right and all others are wrong.
5. Distinguishing between the Holy Spirit leading me a certain way vs. my own inclination to do something.

and last but not least

6. Accepting that I am not as strong or put together as I thought I was.

I guess I'll start with that. We'll see where this goes..